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Homepage / Inside Peter / My Kind of Humour

What if the Gettysburg Address, one of the great and eloquent speeches of history, had instead been a cheesy PowerPoint presentation?
Tech speak - or how do missiles find their target? And it might not be a joke! Air Force on Missiles

Airline Chatter

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take-off."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206 Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been toFrankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.< FONT face=Arial size=1>
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. NOW !!! I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D,but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"


You may be an engineer if..

  • ......the only jokes you receive are through email (OUCH)
  • At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
  • Buying flowers for your girlfriend/boyfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
  • If you find that you have to often explain how to use the gifts you have given other people.
  • Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
  • In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure
  • The Salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
  • You are always late to meetings
  • You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
  • You are next in line on death row in a French Prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it.
  • You bought your wife/husband a new CD ROM drive for her birthday
  • You forget to get a haircut (for 6 months!)
  • You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
  • You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting
  • You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines
  • You comment to your wife/husband that her straight hair is nice and parallel
  • You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
  • You have Dilbert comics/paphanelia displayed anywhere in your work area
  • You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
  • You have more friends on the internet than in real life
  • You have backed up your hard drive
  • You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
  • You have used coat hangars and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
  • You know what http:// stands for
  • You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
  • You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
  • You see a good design and still have to change it
  • You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring
  • You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it
  • You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory
  • You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
  • You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
  • You window shop at Radio Shack
  • You're in the backseat of your car, she/he is looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
  • Your checkbook always balances
  • Your laptop computer costs more than your car
  • Your wife/husband hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work
  • Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz pentium
  • You've already calculated how much you make per second
  • You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio
  • Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.Chocolate

    Battle of Trafalgar, 2005 style Nelson: 'Order the signal, Hardy.'
    Hardy: 'Aye, aye sir.'
    Nelson: 'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer (reading aloud): 'England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?'
    Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist'
    Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy, hand me my pipe and tobacco.'
    Hardy: Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.'
    Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men for battle.'
    Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the government's policy on binge drinking.'
    Nelson: 'I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.'
    Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit on this stretch of water.'
    Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.'
    Hardy: 'Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'
    Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay. Hardy.'
    Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.'
    Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'
    Hardy: 'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.'
    Nelson: 'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the words. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.'
    Hardy: 'Actually, Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'
    Nelson: 'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'
    Hardy: 'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'
    Nelson: 'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'
    Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'
    Nelson: 'What? This is mutiny.'
    Hardy: 'It's not that,sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.'
    Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'
    Hardy: 'Actually, sir we're not.'
    Nelson: 'We're not?'
    Hardy: 'No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'
    Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'
    Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.'
    Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.'
    Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest: it's the rules.'
    Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?'
    Hardy: 'As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment.'
    Nelson: 'What about sodomy?'
    Hardy: 'I believe it is encouraged, sir.'


    Dumb White Man
    An old Indian Chief sat in his tent on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

    "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The chief nodded in agreement.

    The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

    The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."


    These are actual clippings from church newspapers. It's amazing what a little proof-reading would have prevented.

    • The church is starting a New Young Mother's Group. Anyone desiring to be a new young Mother is to meet with the pastor in his office.
    • Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at The Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
    • Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
    • Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
    • "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
    • Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for fun time.
    • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
    • The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight will be: "Searching for Jesus"
    • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
    • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
    • The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
    • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you, and hopefully they will respond.
    • Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
    • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
    • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    • Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
    • The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.
    • Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to help cripple children.
    • The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
    • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
    • The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
    • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. ...prayer and medication to follow.
    • The ladies of the Church have cast off old clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
    • This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
    • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
    • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM, Please use the back door.
    • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
    • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
    • AND THE BEST FOR LAST, ....... The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."

    A stranger was seated next to Little Elroy on the plane. He turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

    Little Elroy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

    "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

    "OK," said Little Elroy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same

    stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

    Why do you suppose that is?"

    "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

    "Well, then," drawls Little Elroy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power, when you don't know shee-it ..?"


    A magician worked on a cruise liner. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. But the captain's parrot saw the shows each week, and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

    Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

    "Look, it's not the same hat!"

    "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."

    "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

    The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. And then the ship hit an iceberg and sank!

    The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.

    This went on for a day, and then another, and another....

    Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

    "OK, I give up. Where's the !#@*#?$ ship?"


    A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

    He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

    At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

    Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

    He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

    "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."


    Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. He's just finished playing his classics.

    The crowd is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front screams out:

    "Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!"

    So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.

    The Japanese man calls out again, "No Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!"

    So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment.

    When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!"

    By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan.

    "But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply.

    "Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind musical genius.

    The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:

    "A jazz chord.......to say, I ruv you..."


    The Frog & The Princess
    Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

    The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said,
    "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing."

    So.

    That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
    I don't @*#?>!~ think so


    The Tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians passed on from generation to generation, says that: "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount".

    However, in business, education, government and other institutions, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed such as:

    1. Buying a stronger whip
    2. Changing Riders
    3. Threatening the horse with termination
    4. Appointing a committee to study the horse
    5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses
    6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included
    7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired"
    8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse
    9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed
    10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance
    11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance
    12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses
    13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses
    14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

    The Parrot
    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the Bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The Parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

    Why We Love Children
    A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
    She asked him if it was dead or alive.
    "Dead." She was informed.
    "How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
    "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
    "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
    "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

    A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
    "Da-ad...."
    "What?
    "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
    "No. You had your chance. Lights out."
    Five minutes later:
    "Da-aaaad....."
    "WHAT?"
    "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have drink of water??"
    "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll smack your bottom!!"
    Five minutes later......
    "Daaaa-aaaad....."
    "WHAT!"
    "When you come in to smack me, can you bring drink of water?"

    An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

    One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear,"
    she said.
    "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
    A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
    "The big sissy."

    It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
    All the children were invited to come forward.
    One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.
    "Is it your Easter Dress?"
    The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
    "Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."

    When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
    She said, "Mummy, you are getting really fat!"
    I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
    "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"

    A little boy was doing his maths homework.
    He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
    His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
    The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mum."
    And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
    "Yes," he answered.
    Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"
    The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
    The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
    After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

    One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Licken to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Licken tried to warn the farmer.
    She read, ".... and so Chicken Licken went up to the farmer and said,
    "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
    The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
    One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said, 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
    The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


    Are You An Engineer?

  • If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
  • If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
  • If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
  • If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
  • If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
  • If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
  • If you look forward to the holidays only to put together the kids' toys.
  • If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
  • If you window shop at Radio Shack
  • If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
  • If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
  • If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
  • If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
  • If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
  • If you own 'Official Star Trek' anything.
  • If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
  • If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
  • If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
  • If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
  • If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
  • If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
  • If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
  • If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
  • If you have more toys than your kids.
  • If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
  • If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
  • If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
  • If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting doesn't work, and you rush up to the front to fix it.
  • If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
  • If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel, and have seen most of the shows already
  • If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
  • If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
  • If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
  • If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
  • If your checkbook always balances.
  • If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.
  • If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
  • If you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers.
  • If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
  • If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
  • If you know what http:/ stands for.
  • If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
  • If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
  • If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or Chinese, pizza, beer, etc).
  • If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
  • If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

    Top Dog
    Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

    To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square" do your stuff!" T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a square, circle and triangle.

    Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But, the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He then divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

    Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop.

    Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive. The three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a crap on the paper, had sex with the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.


    The old lady driver
    A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH.

    He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

    So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approachingthe car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back wide eyed and white as ghosts.

    The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don'tunderstand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

    "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

    The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

    "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

    "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."


    The Psychiatrist's 23rd Psalm
    The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need-dispositions. He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance, He positions me in a non-decisional situation, He maximizes my adjustment. Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant. His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me. He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions. He promotes my group identification. My personality is totally integrated. Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever.


    The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generations, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. In modern companies and government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

    1. Buying a stronger whip
    2. Changing riders.
    3. Threatening the horse with termination.
    4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
    5. Arranging a visit to other countries to see how others ride a dead horse.
    6. Lowering the standards so that dead horse can be included.
    7. Re-classifying the dead horse as 'living impaired'.
    8. Hiring outside contactors to ride the dead horse.
    9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
    10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
    11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
    12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
    13. 13. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.
    14. 14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
    15. 15. Market the Dead horse as a consultant.

    Understanding Engineers
    Take One
    Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

    Take Two
    To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    Take Three
    A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. " The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

    Take Four
    What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
    Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

    Take Five
    The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

    Take Six
    Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

    Take Seven
    An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." Both? "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

    Take Eight
    An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."


    Smithsonian
    The story behind the letter below is that there is this nut ball in Newport, VT named Scott Williams who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labelling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway...here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.

    Smithsonian Institute
    207 Pennsylvania Avenue
    Washington, DC 20078

    Dear Mr. Williams: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."

    It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

    1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
    2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
    3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

    This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
    A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth.

    It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum.

    While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.

    We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-postdating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

    Yours in Science,
    Harvey Rowe
    Chief Curator- Antiquities


    What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?
    Lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.


    Proverbs from First Graders
    A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, but there are some good ones nonetheless - their insight is frightening:

    • Better to be safe than ..................... punch a 5th grader
    • Strike while the ........................... bug is close
    • It's always darkest before ................. Daylight Savings Time
    • Never underestimate the power of ........... termites
    • You can lead a horse to water but .......... how?
    • Don't bite the hand that ................... looks dirty
    • No news is ................................. impossible
    • A miss is as good as a ..................... Mr.
    • You can't teach an old dog new ............. math
    • If you lie down with dogs, you'll .......... stink in the morning
    • Love all, trust ............................ me
    • The pen is mightier than the ............... pigs
    • An idle mind is ............................ the best way to relax
    • Where there's smoke there's ................ pollution
    • Happy the bride who ........................ gets all the presents
    • A penny saved is ........................... not much
    • Two's company, three's ..................... the Musketeers
    • Don't put off till tomorrow what ........... you put on to go to bed
    • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ................you have to blow your nose
    • There are none so blind as ................. Stevie Wonder
    • Children should be seen and not ............ spanked or grounded
    • If at first you don't succeed .............. get new batteries
    • You get out of something only what you ..... see in the picture on the box
    • When the blind leadeth the blind ........... get out of the way

    Hunting Elephants

    MATHEMATICIANS
    hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

    EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS
    attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

    PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS
    prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

    COMPUTER SCIENTISTS
    hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
    1.Go to Africa.
    2.Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
    3.Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west. 4.During each traverse pass,
        1.Catch each animal seen.
        2.Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
        3.Stop when a match is detected.

    EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS
    modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

    ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS
    prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

    DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS
    do not need to go out and capture elephants when they can retrieve them simply with an ad-hoc query:

      SELECT * FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERS
      2 WHERE CRITTER_TYPE = 'TERRESTRIAL'
      3 AND SIZE = 'LARGE'
      4 AND COLOR = 'GREY'
      5 AND TRUNK = 'YES'
      6 AND ODOR IS NOT NULL;

      ENGINEERS
      hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching grey animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

      SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS
      are not so concerned with hunting elephants as with creating a seamless interface between the elephants and their environment.

      ECONOMISTS
      don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

      STATISTICIANS
      hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

      CONSULTANTS
      don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

      OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS
      can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

      POLITICIANS
      don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

      LAWYERS
      don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

      SOFTWARE LAWYERS
      claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

      VICE-PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT
      try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice-president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice-president sees them. If the vice president does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other words, a live one) the staff will:
          1.compliment the vice-president's keen eyesight and
          2.enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

      SENIOR MANAGERS
      set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

      QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS
      ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

      SALES PEOPLE
      don't hunt elephants, but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

      SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE
      ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

      HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE
      catch rabbits, paint them grey, and sell them as desktop elephants.


      INSTRUCTIONS FOR CASH MACHINES
      Please note that the XXX Bank is installing new ""Drive-thru" cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility please read the procedure appropriate to you and remember them! MALE PROCEDURE
      1. Drive up to the cash machine.
      2. Wind down your car window.
      3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
      4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
      5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
      6. Wind up window
      7. Drive off

      FEMALE PROCEDURE
      1. Drive up to cash machine
      2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
      3. Re-start the stalled engine
      4. Wind down the window
      5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
      6. Turn the radio down
      7. Attempt to insert card into machine
      8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
      9. Insert card
      10. Re-insert card the right way up
      11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
      12. Enter PIN.
      13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
      14. Enter amount of cash required
      15. Check make up in rear view mirror
      16. Retrieve cash and receipt 17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
      18. Place receipt in back of cheque book
      19. Re-check make-up again
      20. Drive forwards 2 metres
      21. Reverse back to cash machine
      22. Retrieve card
      23. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
      24. Restart stalled engine and drive off
      25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
      26. Release Handbrake


      CORPORATE POLICY, OR HOW THE SH** HAPPENS
      In the beginning was the Plan.

      And then came the Assumptions.

      And the Assumptions were without form.

      And the Plan was without substance.

      And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

      And the Workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is a crock of sh**, and it stinks."

      And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."

      And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

      And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

      And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

      And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

      And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with very powerful effects."

      And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

      And the Plan became Policy.

      And that, my friends, is how Shit Happens.


      Which language is right for you?
      In order to help you make a competent, uncomplicated choice concerning the competition between complex, incompatible computer compilers, we have composed this complete, compact, composite compendium comprising comparisons to compensate for the complaints and complements of their compromises. We hope you will find it comprehensible rather than compost.


      TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.

      370 JCL
      You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
      6502, Z80, 8080, 80286, 80x86
      You foot yourself in the shoot.
      6800
      You shoot yourself in the foot.
      6809
      You shoot half a bullet in your foot and the other half in someone else's foot.
      68000
      You can't decide which gun and which bullet to use, so you hang yourself.
      Access
      You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
      Ada
      1. The United States Department of Defense kidnaps you, stands you up in front of a firing squad, and tells the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
      2. A fly lands on your foot. After filling out the appropriate forms, in triplicate, you succeed in requisitioning an M-16 to deal with the fly. You then proceed to shoot your foot off. The fly survives.
      APL
      1. GN You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell happened.
      2. You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
      Assembly
      1. You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
      2. You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.
      BASIC (interpreted)
      You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and falls off.
      BASIC (compiled)
      You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.
      C
      You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can figure out what you did.
      C++
      You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at the others and saying, "That's me, over there!"
      COBOL
      USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER.
      Concurrent Euclid
      You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
      csh
      1. % ls
        foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
        % rm * .o
        rm: .o no such file or directory
        % ls
        %
      2. After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.
      dBase
      You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.
      FORTH
      Foot in yourself shoot.
      FORTRAN
      You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway since no exception-processing was anticipated.
      HyperTalk
      Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
      LISP
      You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
      Logo
      The turtle runs over your foot several times.
      Modula-2
      You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
      Motif
      You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
      occam
      You shoot both your feet with several guns at once.
      ORCA/C
      Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN!
      Paradox
      Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.
      Pascal
      1. Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off.
      2. You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you that your foot is the wrong type and out of range to boot!
      PL/I
      After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes and drops the original on your foot.
      Prolog (interpreted)
      Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die of old age before the bullet leaves the gun.
      Prolog (compiled)
      The facts are against you. You try to stop the gun from shooting you in the foot, but it replies, "No."
      Revelation
      You are sure you will be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all those nifty little bullet-thingies are for.
      Smalltalk, Actor
      After playing with the graphics for three weeks the programming manager shoots you in the head.
      SNOBOL
      1. Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
      2. If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
      Visual BASIC
      You really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

      We seem to missing the object orientated languages from the many lists of foot shooting around:

      Magik
      After thinking making your hand inherit behaviour from your foot would be good idea, you lose your holding abilities and drop the gun on your foot.
      Eiffel
      You create a GUN object, two FOOT objects and a BULLET object. The GUN passes both the FOOT objects a reference to the BULLET. The FOOT objects increment their hole counts and forget about the BULLET. A little demon then drives a garbage truck over your feet and grabs the bullet (both of it) on the way.
      Smalltalk
      You send the message shoot to gun, with selectors bullet and myFoot. A window pops up saying Gunpowder doesNotUnderstand: spark. After several fruitless hours spent browsing the methods for Trigger, FiringPin and IdealGas, you take the easy way out and create ShotFoot, a subclass of Foot with an additional instance variable bullet hole.
      		void main ( void )
      		{
      		   int Home;
      		
      		   Home = do_nothing( why_not );
      		
      		   return Home
      		}
      		
      Courtesy Jay Carlson of the Mitre Corporation Washington DC.

      Top 45 Oxymorons:
      45. Act naturally
      44. Found missing
      43. Resident alien
      42. Advanced BASIC
      41. Genuine imitation
      40. Airline Food
      39. Good grief
      38. Same difference
      37. Almost exactly
      36. Government organization
      35. Sanitary landfill
      34. Alone together
      33. Legally drunk
      32. Silent scream
      31. Living dead
      30. Small crowd
      29. Business ethics
      28. Soft rock
      27. Butt Head
      26. Military Intelligence
      25. Software documentation
      24. New classic
      23. Sweet sorrow
      22. Childproof
      21. "Now, then ..."
      20. Synthetic natural gas
      19. Passive aggression
      18. Taped live
      17. Clearly misunderstood
      16. Peace force
      15. Extinct Life
      14. Temporary tax increase
      13. Computer jock
      12. Plastic glasses
      11. Terribly pleased
      10. Computer security
      9. Political science
      8. Tight slacks
      7. Definite maybe
      6. Pretty ugly
      5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
      4. Diet ice cream
      3. Working vacation
      2. Exact estimate
      1. *****************


      'The Washington Post's Style Invitational' asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

    • Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
    • Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
    • Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
    • Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
    • Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
    • Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
    • Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
    • Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
    • Glibido: All talk and no action.
    • Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
    • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
    • Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

      WHAT SEX IS A COMPUTER?
      A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.

      Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

      The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

      The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

      1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
      2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
      3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
      4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

      The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

      1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
      2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
      3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
      4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

      10 Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The '90s:

    • You try to enter your password on the microwave.
    • You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
    • You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
    • You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask if he or she is ready to go to lunch.
    • You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from another continent, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.
    • Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
    • Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.
    • You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
    • When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
    • When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

      More Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's

    • You try to enter your password on the microwave.
    • You haven't played patience with real cards in years.
    • You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
    • You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you fancy going down the pub?" and they reply "Yeah, give me five minutes".
    • You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.
    • You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
    • Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
    • You consider Royal Mail painfully slow or call it "snail mail".
    • Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes.
    • You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
    • When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
    • When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
    • You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
    • Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
    • Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
    • You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
    • You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news.
    • Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
    • Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
    • Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
    • Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
    • It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
    • You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
    • Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
    • You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
    • Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
    • The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
    • Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
    • You're already late on the assignment you just got.
    • There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
    • Your boss's favourite lines are: When you've got a few minutes.. Could you fit this in...?...in your spare time...when you're freed up....I know you're busy but...I have an opportunity for you
    • Holiday is something you roll over to next year.
    • Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.
    • You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.
    • Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
    • The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
    • You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
    • You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
    • As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "mates you send jokes to" e-mail group.
    • It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.

      Warranty Card
      This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) - and made the web department take it down.

      Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military 
      		aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please 
      		take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration 
      		card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, 
      		but the information will help us to develop new products 
      		that best meet your needs and desires.
      		
      		1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. 
      		   [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other 
      		
      		   First Name:
      		   .....................................................
      		   Initial: ........   Last Name:
      		   ......................................................
      		   Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
      		   Code Name:
      		   ......................................................
      		   Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... .............
      		
      		2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
      		   [_] F-14 Tomcat
      		   [_] F-15 Eagle
      		   [_] F-16 Falcon
      		   [_] F-117A Stealth
      		   [_] Classified
      		
      		3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19..../..../......
      		
      		4. Serial Number: ......................................
      		
      		5. Please check where this product was purchased:
      		   [_] Received as gift / aid package
      		   [_] Catalog showroom
      		   [_] Independent arms broker
      		   [_] Mail order
      		   [_] Discount store
      		   [_] Government surplus
      		   [_] Classified
      		
      		6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell 
      		   Douglas product you have just purchased:
      		   [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
      		   [_] Store display
      		   [_] Espionage
      		   [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
      		   [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
      		   [_] Was attacked by one
      		
      		7. Please check the three (3) factors that most 
      		   influenced your decision to purchase this 
      		   McDonnell Douglas product:
      		   [_] Style / appearance
      		   [_] Speed / maneuverability
      		   [_] Price / value
      		   [_] Comfort / convenience
      		   [_] Kickback / bribe
      		   [_] Recommended by salesperson
      		   [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
      		   [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
      		   [_] Backroom politics
      		   [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
      		
      		8. Please check the location(s) where this product 
      		   will be used:
      		   [_] North America
      		   [_] Iraq
      		   [_] Iraq
      		   [_] Aircraft carrier
      		   [_] Iraq
      		   [_] Europe
      		   [_] Iraq
      		   [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
      		   [_] Iraq
      		   [_] Africa
      		   [_] Iraq
      		   [_] Asia / Far East
      		   [_] Iraq
      		   [_] Misc. Third World countries
      		   [_] Iraq
      		   [_] Classified
      		   [_] Iraq
      		
      		9. Please check the products that you currently 
      		   own or intend to purchase in the near future:
      		   [_] Color TV
      		   [_] VCR
      		   [_] ICBM
      		   [_] Killer Satellite
      		   [_] CD Player
      		   [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
      		   [_] Space Shuttle
      		   [_] Home Computer
      		   [_] Nuclear Weapon
      		
      		10. How would you describe yourself or your 
      		    organization?
      		    (Check all that apply:)
      		    [_] Communist / Socialist
      		    [_] Terrorist
      		    [_] Crazed
      		    [_] Neutral
      		    [_] Democratic
      		    [_] Dictatorship
      		    [_] Corrupt
      		    [_] Primitive / Tribal
      		
      		11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas 
      		    product?
      		    [_] Deficit spending
      		    [_] Cash
      		    [_] Suitcases of cocaine
      		    [_] Oil revenues
      		    [_] Personal check
      		    [_] Credit card
      		    [_] Ransom money
      		    [_] Traveler's check
      		
      		12. Your occupation:
      		    [_] Homemaker
      		    [_] Sales / marketing
      		    [_] Revolutionary
      		    [_] Clerical
      		    [_] Mercenary
      		    [_] Tyrant
      		    [_] Middle management
      		    [_] Eccentric billionaire
      		    [_] Defense Minister / General
      		    [_] Retired
      		    [_] Student
      		
      		13. To help us understand our customers' 
      		    lifestyles, please  indicate the interests 
      		    and activities in which you and your spouse 
      		    enjoy participating on a regular basis:
      		    [_] Golf
      		    [_] Boating / sailing
      		    [_] Sabotage
      		    [_] Running / jogging
      		    [_] Propaganda / disinformation
      		    [_] Destabilization / overthrow
      		    [_] Default on loans
      		    [_] Gardening
      		    [_] Crafts
      		    [_] Black market / smuggling
      		    [_] Collectibles / collections
      		    [_] Watching sports on TV
      		    [_] Wines
      		    [_] Interrogation / torture
      		    [_] Household pets
      		    [_] Crushing rebellions
      		    [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
      		    [_] Fashion clothing
      		    [_] Border disputes
      		    [_] Mutually Assured Destruction
      		
      		Thank you for taking the time to fill out this 
      		questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market 
      		studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you 
      		better in the future - as well as allowing  you to 
      		receive mailings and special offers from other 
      		companies, governments, extremist groups, and 
      		mysterious consortia.
      		
      		As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will 
      		be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our 
      		Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
      		
      		Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
      		Please write to:
      		McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
      		Marketing Department
      		Military Aerospace Division
      		

      Maxims for the Internet Age

    • Home is where you hang your @
    • The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail
    • Speak softly and carry a cellular phone
    • Too many clicks spoil the browse
    • The geek shall inherit the earth
    • What boots up must come down
    • Virtual reality is its own reward
    • A user and his leisure time are soon parted
    • There's no place like http://www.home.com
    • Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks

      In-flight humour
      Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples :

    • After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silent, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
    • "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
    • Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to roam about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
    • As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
    • "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
    • And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
    • Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt LakeCity: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
    • Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
    • Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
    • After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
    • From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
    • An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot,"what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
    • Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at USAirways."

      Military Language

    • One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
    • For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
    • Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
    • Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
    • The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

      EMail from Hell
      Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
      When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
      At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

      Dearest Wife,

      Just got checked in.
      Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

      Signed,
      Your eternally loving husband.

      PS. Sure is hot down here

      The Y1K Problem
      Leave it to the British to get to the core of a problem!

      An Article from a London Newspaper (circa 999 A.D.)

      Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.

      An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.

      Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.

      "We should have seen it coming ," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse -- The Latin word for Thousand is Mille which is the same as the Latin for mile. We won't know whether we are talking about time or distance!"

      Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos.

      A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.

      Apples and money
      "A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

      "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

      Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

    • KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
    • PLATO: For the greater good.
    • ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
    • KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
    • TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
    • SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
    • RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
    • CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
    • HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
    • ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
    • MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
    • FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
    • BILL CLINTON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
    • MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
    • FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
    • BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.
    • DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
    • EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
    • BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
    • RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
    • ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
    • MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: it was an instinctive manoeuvre, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
    • LUKE SKYWALKER: To look for its father.

      How the angel really got on the top of the Christmas Tree:
      Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

      Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.

      The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.

      To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

      Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours -- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

      Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

      And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

      In the Beginning
      In the beginning, there was the computer. And God entered:

      C:\Let there be light!
      Enter user ID
      C:\God
      Enter password
      C:\Omniscient
      Invalid password
      Enter password
      C:\Omnipotent
      And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
      C:\Let there be light!
      Unrecognizable command
      C:\Create light
      Done
      C:\Run heaven and earth
      And God created Day and Night.

      And God saw that there were 0 errors.
      And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

      And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
      C:\Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
      Unrecognizable command. Try again.
      C:\Create firmament
      Done.
      C:\Run firmament
      And God divided the waters.

      And God saw that there were 0 errors.
      And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

      And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
      C:\Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and...
      Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
      C:\Create dry_land
      Done.
      C:\Run firmament
      And God divided the waters.

      And God saw that there were 0 errors.
      And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

      And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
      C:\Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
      Unspecified type. Try again.
      C:\Create sun_moon_stars
      Done
      C:\Run sun_moon_stars
      And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night.

      And God saw there were 0 errors.
      And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

      And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
      C:\Create fish
      Done
      C:\Create fowl
      Done
      C:\Run fish, fowl
      And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind.

      And God saw there were 0 errors.
      And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

      And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
      C:\Create cattle
      Done
      C:\Create creepy_things
      Done
      C:\Now let us make man in our image
      Unspecified type. Try again.
      C:\Create man
      Done
      C:\Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.
      Too many command operands. Try again.
      C:\Run multiplication
      Execution terminated. 6 errors.
      C:\Insert breath
      Done
      C:\Run multiplication
      Execution terminated. 5 errors.
      C:\Move man to Garden of Eden
      Filename: Garden of Eden does not exist.
      Abort, Retry, Ignore?
      C:\Create Garden_of_Eden
      Too many parameters
      C:\Create Garden.edn
      Done
      C:\Move man to Garden.edn
      Done
      C:\Run multiplication
      Execution terminated. 4 errors.
      C:\Copy woman from man
      Done
      C:\Run multiplication
      Execution terminated. 2 errors.
      C:\Create desire
      Done
      C:\Run multiplication
      And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

      Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
      C:\Create freewill
      Done
      C:\Run freewill
      And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

      Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
      C:\Undo desire
      Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
      C:\Destroy freewill
      Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
      Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
      C:\Help
      Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an
      inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
      Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
      C:\Create tree_of_knowledge
      And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
      Garden.edn

      Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
      C:\Create good, evil
      Done
      C:\Activate evil
      And God saw he had created shame.
      Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman no longer
      located in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
      C:\Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
      Search failed.
      Abort, Retry, Ignore?
      C:\Delete shame
      Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
      C:\Destroy freewill
      Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
      Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
      C:\Stop
      Unrecognizable command. Try again
      C:\Ctrl_Break
      C:\Ctrl_Break
      C:\Ctrl_Break

      ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

      C:\Create new world
      You have exceeded allocated file space. You must destroy old files
      before new ones can be created.
      C:\Destroy earth
      Destroy earth: Please confirm.
      C:\Destroy earth confirmed

      COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN.
      SERVICE WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU
      MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
      And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
      On Saturday, March 7, God rested.
      On March 8, God created Macintosh.

      Hellish humour
      This message comes from a graduate of the Univerisity of Oklahoma Chemical Engineering Department via an acquaintance of mine who sends out a "Daily Silly" to a large group of people. It cites one of Dr.Schlambaugh's final test questions for his final exam for 1997. [Note: Dr. Schlambaugh is known for asking questions on his finals like:"Why do airplanes fly?"]

      In May 1997, the Momentum, Heat, and Mass Transfer II final exam question was: "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

      Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant thereof. One student, however, wrote the following:

      "First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? "I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of that religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

      "With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant. "A1) So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. "A2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

      "If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during my freshman year, that 'It'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then A2) cannot be true..., thus, Hell is exothermic."

      The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

      Seymore Cray
      When Seymore Cray heard that Apple Computers had just bought one of his machines to design the next generation Mac, he retorted that he had just bought a Mac to help him design his next generation super computer....

      How Specifications Live Forever
      The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used ? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

      Why did the English people build them like that ? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

      Why did "they" use that gauge then ? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

      Okay ! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing ? Well, if they tried to use other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

      So who built these old rutted roads ? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

      And the ruts ? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions.

      The US standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two horse's.

      Scientists
      German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

      Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

      Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...

      They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

      In The Bit Beginning
      In the beginning, God created the bit.
      And the bit was a zero.
      On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)

      On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit.
      This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't.
      God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe.

      On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!"
      And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype.
      Those in Universe Marketing immediately realised that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honoured.

      On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that -- by performing a single shift instruction -- it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realised the importance of computer security.

      On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Forget that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

      On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimising compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

      On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.